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    I had to face the fact that while we both shared a pain about all of this, he has the privilege of still being madly in love with me, of seeing me intact and good and worthy, and I remain…broken.

    I needed space to just focus on me, think about alternatives, etc. I am fairly crushed to realize that, after all of this, even after risking separation and reconciling, the brokenness remains, perhaps for always. I still have occasional ambivalence and sadness about my recovering sex addict husband.

    The “crazy-making” is gone that goes along with the dishonesty of a double-life.

    I’m not second-guessing my own sense of things and I don’t have the “something doesn’t seem quite right” feeling I so often had but couldn’t explain or the feeling that he didn’t really “have my back”.

    My reason for believing him is the difference in reaction he has had over the years – he’s not defensive, doesn’t fight my accusations, is calmly open to my questions, feels I have the right to my feelings, etc. Still, we recently separated for a few months because I had to face the fact that, while things are better, stable, peaceful, even good…

    to say the magic is gone is an understatement, at least for me.

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    I look back and realize that my calm, fairly together response was, in reality, shock and trauma. While, in the past 4 years, there have been some porn-related slips, there has been no more cheating, so far as I can tell. We’ve had ups and downs, but have been generally successful in recovering this marriage.

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    I think that allowed me to be available to tend to him without anger or bitterness in his recovery from the sudden illness which led to the disclosure.

    It wasn’t until later I began to see what had been lost: the heart to heart intimacy that most of us hope to have in a marriage but that sex addiction precludes, many of my dreams that I subordinated to “us” thinking we were in it together, my trust in him and belief that he actually loved the real me.

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